| new journal |
[16 Oct 2004|09:33pm] |
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hey everyone i got a new journal. username is lostxhopexdream. soo ill be there now peace out.
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| i've got a bad feel about this |
[13 Oct 2004|06:14pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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well im changing my journal name and Nicole is going to redue my journal. Well im gunna go figure my new journal name. peace.
_Kaitlin_
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| a perfect hell |
[11 Oct 2004|09:38pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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ok i totally stole this from Nicoles journal but she doesnt care we love her. plus this is totally kickin.
how he woke the morning after they first slept together to the graceful sunlight creeping in through slim curtain gaps and how precious it was to see the light there, reflecting that one person lying next to you and knowing how much they meant to you, and how flawless they were in that one perfect moment..
and when they hugged how he would rest his head on her shoulder and kiss her forehead and hold her warm in his arms, and how they both felt like they were never safe at home unless they were together, such a security that nothing could possibly harm them...and when he kissed her how perfect it was and nothing else mattered in the world except his soft touch...and when they would spend endless nights doing the tiniest things, and how they never wanted those nights to end because each one was so special you wish it would just never end...and it would never end until that person was gone.. and you realise you really cant get them back.
ever since we started growing distant i havent missed him. things didnt happen as sequencially as i wanted them to. it feels unnatural and immature now, like i tried too hard to find someone else fast.. so it didnt mean much when i last saw him before school, because in my mind, i was over him. i just gave him a quick hug and didnt bother to look back.
but i never really said goodbye to him, or hugged him one last time as if i really meant it. i never held him in my arms and told him how much he meant to me, and how i have really never loved a person in my life until i met him. i wish i could just say goodbye, because i really never did. and i would tell him how much i love him, even as a friend, and how i would never forget any of this. i promise i will never forget it.
alright im out for tonight maybe ill update tomorrow
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| is anyone listening can anyone hear me when i call |
[07 Oct 2004|06:15pm] |
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mood |
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 yeah... |
] |
Alright long time no update. Ill talk from what happened on sunday till today. so here it goes.
Sunday:
It was my anniversary with Johnny. I spent the day with him (when am i not with him). Soo me, him, Nicole, Nikki, Pj, and Dan all hung out at Nicoles. Then we went to the beach and met up with Chad and Gary. We all went to play volley ball around 4:30. At 5:30 nicoles mom came back and picked up John and Dan (cause Dan had to go home). The rest of us staied at the beach and played volly ball and hung out. Then at 6:30 Nicoles Aunt showed up at the beach and picked me up and took me away. John had planned dinner at a beach called the Sea Wall. So Nicoles aunt drove me there and dropped me off. John came to the car and escorted me to our table. We sat down and he served dinner. (I'll explain what the table looked like when im done). So after we ate i got to open my first 3 presents. I mirror, a crystal block with a picture in it, and a hammock. Then we went back to the table and ate dessert - Chocolate covered strawberries. Then after we were done with those i opened my final present .. a white gold necklace. Two heart . linked together and the second heart is plated with white gold. I love it. The table was small. Two plates, a rose off to one side, in the middle the platter with chocolate covered strawberries and a candle. It was beautiful. Best day of my life. I love you Johnny.
Monday:
Was ok. i was uber tired. it was school. nothing new really. an ordinary day at school. my mother finally made me a doctors appointment for my knee and now my ankle, and i have a pain up the side of my leg.
Tuesday:
More school. it was good. dont really care anymore. Schools not really going to change. Everything stay the same there. Amanda came over. we hung out. went to the mall with my sister to get her the new Good Charlotte Cd. It good stuff.
Wednsday:
Went to Johns. Hung out at his house with him and Dan. Then we went out so John could skate. That was fun. Nothing new. I brought my music to listen to and bought candy at CVS. It was good just to be able to hang out with John again. I love him.
Thursday (Today):
School was alright. A lot of my grade was gone because of a field trip. Thats nice. i dont care. I got moved in English cause i asked to be moved because i was getting annoyed/distracted where i was sitting. It good. Wasn't in that great of a mood today. mostly tired and kinda i dunna blah.
So i had an alright day. Tomorrow im going to Johns then were going to a lock in at Smiles. Its all good. Well im out. peace everyone.
-Invisibly yours-
-Kaitlin-
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| tears are streaming down my face and no one cares |
[30 Sep 2004|08:25pm] |
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mood |
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 no one cares |
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Here i can again. crying. that makes 10. no one cares. i hate my life. My parents fuck everything up or maybe i just do that myself. i dont know and dont care. MY WEEKEND IS FUCKED UP AND I CANT SPEND IT WITH THE ONE PERSON WHO MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.NO ONE CARES. JUST LET ME DIE. YOU FUCKED UP MY LIFE AND NOW I WANT TO DIE! ARE YOU HAPPY?? FUCKING HAPPY? GOOD I HOPE YOU ARE. HERE I GO AGAIN CRYING MY EYES OUT AND NO ONE CARES. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE IM NOT LISTENING TO A WORD YOU SAY I DONT GIVE A SHIT. YOU DONT BELIEVE ME AND YOU NEVER DO. YOU DONT LISTEN TO A WORD I SAY AND YOU NEVER WILL. YOU NEVER WANT ME HAPPY YOUR HAPPYNESS COMES FROM MY MISERY. WELL I HOPE YOUR HAPPY. I HOPE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT NOW. I REALLY FUCKING DO. I DONT CARE ANYMORE, I DONT. I DONT CANE WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT ME I DONT CARE IF PEOPLE LIKE ME OR NOT. AS LONG AS IM MISERABLE YOUR HAPPY. WELL I HOPE YOUR HAPPY. YOU DONT CARE IF IM IN PAIN. YOU DONT CARE IF IF IM PSYCHOLOGICLLY FUCKED UP. YOU DONT CARE IF IM DEPRESSED. YOU DONT CARE IF I WANT TO DIE. YEAH WELL I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU.
-kaitlin-
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| just kill me |
[29 Sep 2004|08:13pm] |
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mood |
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 screw off |
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What the Fuck!!! My mother doesnt give a shit about me. shes constantly making me cry and doesnt give a shit! My sister! fucking bitch. she gets everything she asks for. STOP READING MY JOURNAL YOU SPOILED LITTLE BITCH. I dont give a shit what you think. you think there growning pains?? yeah is it your knee?? didnt fucking thinks so. i hate you. I feel like shit constantly. I cried in the commons this morning because i alway feel like shit at home and no one here cares. I cried first period and stayed in the nurses office because no one here cares. I was in the nurses office again 6th and half of 7th again feeling like shit and again no one here cares. fuck this. just kill me. JUST FUCKING KILL ME. or maybe ill do it myself!! how the fuck would you like that?? youd love it. no one here cares. Whatever. I dont give a shit anymore. im used to feeling like shit. no one cares. fuck you. fuck all of you.
-kaitlin-
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| If tracing our dreams is just a distraction |
[27 Sep 2004|05:39pm] |
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mood |
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i hate it |
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i hate today. i hate my mother. i want to disappear.
today was boring. normal school bullshit. classes were normal and boring. same old, same old. it was gay over all.
My mother is a bitch and doesnt admit to her problems. i fucking hate it. shes an embarasment and a waste. to screws over her life without the help of me or jen.
i want to disappear. no one notices me. no one cares. no one give a shit. no one sees that im in pain. no one cares. no one sees me cry. no one cares. no one sees me. no one would notice if i was gone. i wish i was.
well im an emo girl. who gives a fuck.
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| spare me just 3 last words i love you is all she heard |
[23 Sep 2004|05:11pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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so yesterday and today were good days. Yesterday i was in stratford with Johnny. Hung out with Scott and Nicole. It was fun. Today school was good im in the process on finishing my room and laundry. yeah but its pretty good. I'm making another cd right now. Tomorrow Oddfellows is reopening so everyone is going to the show. Including me and John and all his friends. But it'll be fun. Well im cd is just about finished so im gunna go finish cleaning my room. peace
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| drowning in my sleep |
[21 Sep 2004|07:10pm] |
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mood |
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screw off |
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god ... life is shit. ughh my mother knows i feel like shit my sister hardly helps cause her calling me a bitch, a fucking slut, and a dike all the time is real good for my selfastem not to mention my mental state of mind. and now my mother bitch about how no one helps her and how she never has time to her self ... ALRIGHT NO ONE GIVE A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT ME LETS LET KAITLiN'S MENTALITY BRING HER DOWN AND WE'LL LOOK THE OTHER WAY WHILE ITS HAPPENING!! I love how no one notices me at all in this house. If they notice me i'm usually getting in trouble or they're telling me to do something. Fuck being sane it impossible in this house.I'm not kidding if your reading this your probally like "oh its not that bad shes making it bigger then it acually is" yeah well fuck you. You don't know my life you dont know what goes on with me at home. I hate being here everytime im here i get yelled and somehow makes me want to gt the fuck away from here or die. I swear to god everything that happens to me makes me want to slit my wrist even more. Call me depressed call me whatever the fuck you want. I dont care anymore. There's no one who cares and no one who gives a shit. Yay on the verge of my FOURTH break down of the month. fuck this fuck it all. I dont care anymore. I really fucking dont. Just leave me the fuck alone. Even after sleeping im still just as fucked up in the head. Maybe someone you know should help but THAT WOULD BE TO GOD DAMN MUCH TO ASK! fuck this. fuck you. fuck everyone.
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| ... |
[20 Sep 2004|06:32pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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Today wasn't that great. Felt shitty again, didn't sleep properly last night again, haven't been feeling well mentally or phsyically, and i was in the nurses office again because I got a really really bad headache. So today was great!! NOT! Ugh im soo tired and i feel like shit. I was thinking of asking my mother for a therapist but she'll ask me all these questions that I dont want to hear or that well put me in a breakdown. Plus I don't think we have the budget for one. Whatever. John thinks I should ask for one because he think my well-being is more inportant then the plot of land we bought in new hamshire. Whatever. I think i'm sick and need meds. in some way. Whatever. I'm out.
_Ming_
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| ughh |
[15 Sep 2004|09:29pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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ughh im sick and i feel like shit both phsyiclly and mentally. its really horrible. for example i was sitting in study hall today reading my book and listening to "New American Classic" by Taking Back Sunday over and over again. I almost started crying for no reason, almost another breakdown. This sucks. This feeling never goes away its always there even when im with John. I hate the feeling and how it makes me feel. I hate this feeling. The smallest thing sets me off and makes me cry. I hate this feeling. Make it go away!! Nothing seems right anymore. Like everything is off center. Nothing is right. Everything just isn't going right. Ontop of all of this I have to manage school work. Something inside of me is wrong. Maybe something needs to get out of me but i can't deal feeling like this. It isn't right. Whatever. I need everything to be normal again. I need to stop feeling like shit. I need to not be stressed out. I need to quit having mental breakdowns. I need my life back.
Fornow I'll have to put a face on
to hide my true identity
to keep my misery hidden
Maybe everything will be better sometime soon.
^ something i just wrote. Ill be back later peace out.
_Ming_
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| ughh |
[08 Sep 2004|04:23pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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so today sucks. its raining, i was supposed to go to johns and i didnt, and my puppy is getting terrorized by an ass. whatever. Today was gay and i just wanna go to johns. but a cant cause my sister didnt f-ing drive me. f - that. ill be back later maybe. peace
_whatever_
_ming_
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| hey |
[04 Sep 2004|05:27pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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soo schools started not all that bad. i have Gym first period everyday except for monday when i have double chem (meaning on monday i have chem first and second period), then i have chem second, study hall everyday for the first have the year, then history 4th period, then lunch 5th, spanish 6th, geometry 7th, and english 8th. its a pretty good schedule me teachers are cool. I have to take the bus because my sister leaves after 7th period so. whatever its cool my bus isnt bad. I made a new friend his name is Jesse he just moved here from vermont. who the hell would move from vermont to trumbull. whatever. downside of the bus is that i get home at 3:30 when i get outta school at 2:28. whatever bus ride isnt bad at all so its good. The first 2 days of school were good and now we have a 3 day weekend and a 3 day weekend next weekend also for some odd reason. whatever its cool. well Johns spending the weekend here. Tomorrow were going with Nicole and her mom to Misquamiqut (spelling?) well itll be fun except for the whole waking up early but itll be cool. sooo thats whats on for tomorrow. Monday i think John and i are gunna go the mall for a bit. But whatever. Well im out ill be back later.. peace out
_Love_
_Ming_
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| i went shopping |
[31 Aug 2004|09:52pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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i went shopping today!. it was awesome. i got 2 shirts, a jacket, 2 pairs of pants, and a pair of shoes. then a bunch of little things and something for John. yay. So today was good. shopping with fun. Although i had to carry around a million bags untill we left. i did good and i even came home with money!. soo yupp. i had a good day. So im on the phone with John. hes good. hes typing on his computer. Well im going to go nothing else interesting to tell you. peace out.
_Love_
_Ming_
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| Griffy! |
[31 Aug 2004|12:19pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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sens3sxfail41 (12:08:04 PM): hey
GriffMcGriff (12:08:15 PM): hey G, hows it going
sens3sxfail41 (12:08:26 PM): good you?
GriffMcGriff (12:08:42 PM): pretty good
sens3sxfail41 (12:08:46 PM): thats good
sens3sxfail41 (12:08:49 PM): hows life/
sens3sxfail41 (12:08:50 PM): ??
GriffMcGriff (12:09:23 PM): yeah, damn good--we're having a huge football party tonight which should be pretty nuts
GriffMcGriff (12:09:32 PM): im looking forward to that a lot
sens3sxfail41 (12:09:37 PM): i bet you are
sens3sxfail41 (12:09:57 PM): so whats new in the life of griff??
GriffMcGriff (12:10:33 PM): not too much, just not looking forward for school
sens3sxfail41 (12:10:50 PM): yeahh me 2 cause itll give me something to do durning the day
GriffMcGriff (12:11:21 PM): word
sens3sxfail41 (12:11:23 PM): Nicole is crazyy
GriffMcGriff (12:11:32 PM): why
sens3sxfail41 (12:11:53 PM): i dunno im talkin to her and shes like laughing histericlly for no reason.
GriffMcGriff (12:12:15 PM): on the phone
GriffMcGriff (12:12:17 PM): ?
sens3sxfail41 (12:12:30 PM): no but when i do thats even scarier
sens3sxfail41 (12:12:57 PM): Griff, since you love me and nicole soo much do we have to listen to you next year?
GriffMcGriff (12:13:02 PM): then how do you know shes laughing
sens3sxfail41 (12:13:15 PM): wtf its nicole04 (12:10:40 PM): hahahaha
sens3sxfail41 (12:10:56 PM): god you need a life
wtf its nicole04 (12:11:01 PM): hahhahaha
sens3sxfail41 (12:11:07 PM): whats so funy?
wtf its nicole04 (12:11:14 PM): i donno
wtf its nicole04 (12:11:18 PM): i have alot of energy
GriffMcGriff (12:13:42 PM): wtf its nicole04 (12:11:29 PM): hahahahahaha
GriffMcGriff (12:12:10 PM): yeah its gunna be crazy, youre gunna do so many random things for no reason
wtf its nicole04 (12:12:17 PM): hahahahaha
GriffMcGriff (12:13:45 PM): here too
sens3sxfail41 (12:14:00 PM): yupp
sens3sxfail41 (12:14:40 PM): so do me and nicole have to listen to you this year at camp??
GriffMcGriff (12:15:28 PM): yes, to the max
GriffMcGriff (12:15:37 PM): you have to listen to every word i say
sens3sxfail41 (12:15:43 PM): damnit really? butyou love us!
GriffMcGriff (12:15:59 PM): yeah but still
GriffMcGriff (12:16:02 PM): im the big boss
sens3sxfail41 (12:16:21 PM): is one of the activities sleeping this year
GriffMcGriff (12:16:47 PM): hopefully, ill work on it--its one of my greatest skills
sens3sxfail41 (12:17:08 PM): yay!
GriffMcGriff (12:17:55 PM): yeah
GriffMcGriff (12:17:57 PM): good times
sens3sxfail41 (12:18:00 PM): yeahh
sens3sxfail41 (12:18:14 PM): this past year was probally my favorite part of the summer
sens3sxfail41 (12:18:28 PM): acaully Hawaii and Camp are tied
sens3sxfail41 (12:19:10 PM): but griffin is above them all
GriffMcGriff (12:19:25 PM): oh sweet
sens3sxfail41 (12:20:38 PM): soo griffin is so awesome!
GriffMcGriff (12:22:00 PM): who's griffin?
sens3sxfail41 (12:22:12 PM): You are!
sens3sxfail41 (12:22:55 PM): Soo griff do you miss me and Nicole
sens3sxfail41 (12:22:56 PM): ??
GriffMcGriff (12:23:20 PM): oh yeah, i miss all of camp
GriffMcGriff (12:23:29 PM): but im also having a kickass time here
sens3sxfail41 (12:23:37 PM): but you miss us more right??
GriffMcGriff (12:23:50 PM): naturally
sens3sxfail41 (12:24:16 PM): yeahh. i miss you griff. me and Nicole we just dont know what to do without you
GriffMcGriff (12:24:57 PM): i wouldnt know what to do without me either
GriffMcGriff (12:25:09 PM): so thats a coincidence
sens3sxfail41 (12:25:15 PM): i gotta go. ill talk to later griffin.
GriffMcGriff (12:25:23 PM): ok peace
sens3sxfail41 (12:25:28 PM): byeee
yeah so thats my convo with griffy! well i gotta go. ttyl
_love_
_Ming_
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| boredddd.... |
[30 Aug 2004|02:17pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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ughh so bored. Stratford is in school. And i have no life. Well im bored and tired. i need to do something but the what i want to do requires glue which i dont know where that is. lets call Amanda ::calls Amanda:: so now that im on the phone with Amanda. I talked to Griffin today. it was cool. Hes hanging out Adam, Justin, and Keith soon (there coucellors from camp). thats cool. Soo im cool ... NOT!. ANYWAYS. im gunna go. be back laterr..
Love You John
_Ming_
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| Broken Things Aren't Beautiful |
[30 Aug 2004|01:48am] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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You’ve got to get better
Said its all in your head
We could live through these letters
Or forget it all together
See the months they don’t matter
It’s the days I cant take
When the hours move to minutes
And I’m seconds away
Just ask the question
Come untie the knot
Say you wont care
Say you wont care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you wont care
Say you wont care
And try to avoid it
But there is not a doubt
And there’s one things I can do nothing about
But all that we need is just a reaction
Its to much to ask for
When there’s no attraction anymore
And if tracing our dreams is just a distraction
I want to remember
But I know that I can’t go back
So just ask the question
Come untie the knot
Say you wont care
Say you wont care
Retrace the steps as if you forgot
Say you wont care
Say you wont care
And try to avoid it (try to avoid it)
But there is not a doubt
And there’s one things I can do nothing about
There’s one thing I can do nothing
There’s one thing I can do nothing
there’s one things I can do nothing about
(found me)
just ask the question (just ask the question)
Come untie the knot
Say you wont care (care)
Say you wont care (care)
Retrace the steps (retrace the steps) as if you forgot
Say you wont care (care)
Say you wont care (care)
And try to avoid it (try to avoid it)
But there is not a doubt
And there’s one things I can do nothing
There’s one thing I can do nothing
There’s one thing I can do nothing
There’s one thing I can do nothing about
*Taking Back Sunday*
today was "eventful" whatever. theres nothing to say. theres never anything to say. forget it.
_ughh_
_Ming_
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[27 Aug 2004|04:04pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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heres a quiz i just took
Emo! You're very in touch with your emotions and
that's what I like about you! It's all about
the music for you... I have pity for your
tortured soul...you're just like me...
What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
so todays boring. I talked to Brian for a little bit. Catching up. otherwise nothing special has happened. I'm going out with my sister in a little bit. Were goin to petco. yay more stuff! well ill be back later.
_Ming_
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| blahh |
[26 Aug 2004|11:45pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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ok so im bored. and i wish i was just in a place where i could see all of my thoughs jus so i can strighten them out. It's like a hurrican inside my head. i dont understadn whats going on. Talking to people doesnt help it just makes me think more. It's just so confusing. Everything is wierd. Schools gunna be starting again soon. I'm talking to people that i havent talked to almost all summer. I started clening my room todo just so i had something to do and to give me time to think. I ended up rearanging everything and never finished so my rooms a mess. Ill have to finish that later or tomorrow. soo i'm gunna put a song in cuz im bored.
I tried to save us
but little did I know
you are a speeding train off track
with little time to go
I tried everything
tried so hard to let you know
but now I'm on my last thread
pulling away to know I'm real
yeah, now it's our time
and now it's our time
and I'll see you on the otherside
beneath your skin
there's another side to you
you build up city walls
so I never get through
you build up city walls
so I can never get through
yeah, now it's our time
and now it's our time
and I'll see you on the otherside
Why would I take it too far
With not thinking about the end at all
If a fortune could say
what the future will bring
Then I'm not convinced
It's ending in tragedy
And most of all
It's in my control
to end it all
yeah, now it's our time
and now it's our time
and I'll see you on the otherside
*New Found Glory*
*Ending in Tragedy*
well im out. ill be back if i need to vent anymore. peace
_Ming_
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| heyy |
[26 Aug 2004|12:31am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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so im bored. today was cool hung out with John and Bryan. it was cool. John slept over last night. im staying at Johns house friday and saturday night cuz my parents are going to New Hampshire. Yesterday i hung out with Bryan. Then after Bryan left John came over and we hung out and watched some tv. So today was pretty ordinary. im on the phone with John right now. its almost 11 months. Sweet. Nicole fixed my journal thats why its SOOO COOOL!
Well Nicole is awesome. Everyone should be friends with her.
wtf its nicole04 (11:30:01 PM): Griffin i love you!
GriffMcGriff (11:30:08 PM): oh ssnap
GriffMcGriff (11:30:43 PM): but i love you
wtf its nicole04 (11:35:39 PM): I LOVE YOU!
GriffMcGriff (11:35:44 PM): awww
GriffMcGriff (11:35:52 PM): thats sweet
see shes so cool
Griffins cool too! hes the awesomest!
well im off to bed night everyone
_peace and love_
_Mingle_
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